The Road to Vulnerability

So I have promised to be more honest and open.. now time to fess up.

For the next 10 days I will be taking the course at the Living Foods Institute called the 10 day Healthy Lifestyle.  My good friend, Jane Holmes is the director and has been gently nudging me, since we did the 21 day Raw challenge a few years back, to come take classes with her.  The idea that I could leave my life and my kids for 10 days was insane to me.  Seriously?  Their world would fall apart!  My house would come down around them!  How can I possibly train others to be ME while I'm out for 10 sleeps??  Now that Janet has her own job I can't fall back on my "twin mom" to do all my stuff.  But finally I opened my mind to the possibility that I could make it work.  I asked around and by the grace of God and the amazing generosity of my husband, my parents, Janet and even my in-laws - I planned out the next 10 days.  Now granted EVERYONE has a checklist!  This little control freak of a planner made sure everyone knew exactly what to do every day!  Even Noah has a checklist for his school work while I'm out with an encouraging note at the top:  "worth $5 when completed".  Poor kid still thinks $5 is a ton of money 😄 

Now why am I going?  Well the curiosity is getting the best of me.  Anyone who is sick and asks for my advice - I send them to Living Foods.  I have read the stories of people curing disease after disease including stage 4 cancer and I just have to see for myself what it's all about.  No, I do not have cancer but I have lost way too many loved ones to this disease.  I have other ways I want to heal:  the aches and pains I feel when I wake up, the allergies that keep me indoors in the beautiful spring weather, the constant sinus drainage, the cravings for foods that are not serving me, to name a few.  I know they pale in comparison to major disease but part of the mission on the farm is to provide some version of this training and healing for those who do not want to go the pharmaceutical route for their disease.  Eventually I want to complete the 30 day educator course and see where it takes me. 

This leads me to more emotional baggage that I'm willing to unpack in front of whomever is reading this blog:

I'm realizing my struggle with weight is linked heavily to my fear of failure or maybe it's the fear of success.  I'm sure I will get more insight into this this week in my various therapy sessions.  I'll report as much as I can this week.  It seems that the closer I get to realizing my true potential the more weight I put on.  I'm a stress snacker and anxiety over the enormity of what I believe is ahead of me gets the best of me.  I get snippets of this vision of where I should go with the farm that is fueled by my passion for health and the dream of helping others in a very profound way.  I start to doubt myself.  I start listening to the voices of others that tell me I'm crazy and I should settle for a "safe job" working for someone else.  And part of me wants to hide behind someone else and just do what I'm told.  No liability, no risk, just build someone else's dream.  I have always been more comfortable behind others.  I never truly want to be in the spotlight.  I don't want to be noticed for losing weight and people won't say anything if I gain it.  At least not to my face.  But sadly I only feel successful if I'm in control and losing weight.  Then someone notices and I immediately freak out on the inside that I won't be able to keep it off.  And up and down we go, year after year after year.  I know it's more to do with what is on the inside.  The way I'm talking to myself.  The deflection of success so no one will expect more out of me than I can do.  I'm weak.  I struggle.  I have emotional layers that need to be shed then the weight will no longer be an issue.  I truly believe that.  People don't become obese because they love junk food.  They get there because of the inner struggles that have nothing to do with food.  Food is the solution to the pain, not the problem.  In my case it has to do with fear of success.  If I succeed I will be in the spotlight then the pressure is on to maintain perfection.  Everyone will notice if I fail.  I'm not perfect - what if someone figures that out???  Yea I know, no one thinks that - 'cept maybe my Dad.  Bless his heart and his rose colored glasses.

What about my faith in God?  Where does that play in?  That's an excellent question.  I feel like my faith in God is strong.  We have been though a lot - me and God.  He has proven time and time again that He is enough and He has my best interest at heart.  I'm not really worried about whether God will be there for me.  I worry that I won't measure up.  That my negative self talk and my need to please others will keep me from fully trusting and going down the path that has so many question marks in the way.  It stresses people out that I can't answer all the questions and their stress adds to my stress.  I know He will provide, He always does.  I just have to trust and release everyone else to their own journey of faith in me and my ability to follow God's will.  As for me, I'm prepared to challenge the story I tell myself about myself.  I'm prepared to see me the way God sees me.  God, help me do that.

Why am I unpacking all this to you?  In the event that you can relate, I want to take you on the journey with me.  I want you to benefit from this amazing gift I have been offered this week.  I know not many people can do what I'm doing due to family obligations, jobs, children.  I want to give back by documenting what I learn.  It gives me a place to come back to and read, years down the road, to see how far I've come because the truth is - I'm not going to be stuck here any longer.  I'm peeling back the layers and revealing what is underneath.  I'm going to be positive and open to whatever comes my way.  So even though this is so far out of my comfort zone, I hope I can be of help to others through my vulnerability.  If nothing else, it helps me shed a layer.