Emotional health - a year later

 I re-read one of my posts today on getting to the core of emotional health.  I talked about losing my mom a little every day.  About being vulnerable so I can help others.  Two things stood out to me as I re-read this:

1.  Mom passed away exactly a year and 2 days later.
2.  I have posted nothing but recipes since then.

Regarding the first point, I had no idea we would really lose her that quickly.  I was preparing myself for the wretched days of her not knowing who I was or know my kids.  I was busy trying to support my Dad and aunt as they tried to take care of her.  I was dropping everything to help pick her up from the bottom of the shower when she passed out as Dad tried to bathe her.  Hard, emotionally draining stuff like that.  I was not preparing myself to say "my mom passed away this year", or "I don't have a mom anymore", "she is in a better place".  I was busy making the time she had here good and keeping up with all we had to do.  The hospice company brought her home in February and I thought, this is great, we will have help as we get through the last year or maybe two.  I've seen people linger on with hospice.  At least now we had help.  What I didn't expect was that they would bring us a book that shows us the signs of the final week and show us that this is where we were.  Previous to her coming home, she was in rehab for a few weeks following a bad UTI in the hospital.  She kept saying "I can't do this anymore".  I kept telling her we were going to take her home as soon as she would eat and get her strength back up.  Just keep walking, Mom we will be bringing you home as soon as possible.  When we got her home she kept saying that.  When hospice told us what was going on I realized, she's not talking about the rehab.  She can't do THIS anymore.  She can't be here anymore.  She was letting go.  She wasn't fighting anymore.  She was ready to go home.  That final week was full of family and friends and neighbors, coming in and loving on us, going out of their way to feed us and support us.  It was the most beautiful and most painful week of my life to date.  God was so evident in every day.  His angels were surrounding us and giving us strength to talk to her and sing to her.  And just like that she was gone.  The next week was a flurry of decisions and to do lists.  More people showed up for her funeral than I could have ever imagined.  A couple of weeks later COVID escalated and we haven't seen most of these beautiful people since.  I have only seen my family once since then.  I'm so thankful we were able to celebrate her life before the shut down.  Not everyone had that opportunity this year so I do not take it lightly.  And I had no idea it was going to be this hard to do life without her.

So second point - with all this crazy how is it I'm only able to share recipes?  I guess I have to go back to the original post to find the answer to that - talking about my feelings is pointless.  But that is not true.  Talking about them right now is keeping me from mindlessly eating chips watching Hulu.  I have found the core of some of my cravings lately.  I'm not taking time to stop and talk about what is going on.  Do I have to do it on here all the time - Nope.  Don't worry I'm not going to flood you with journal entries about my feelings.  I realize, however, that we are all going through stuff.  ESPECIALLY this year and we need to talk about it.  Whether it's in a blog post, a text to a friend or a phone call.  We need to unpack the brain.  If you are looking to mind numbing tv and vegan junk food to get through an emotion, as I have done from time to time, you have to look at the core and address the core problem.  It won't be easy and it will take time out of your to do list.  You won't fall apart forever, just long enough to get it out so you can move on.  Take time to be still.  Be still and know that God is in control and He sees you.  He knows where I am and can give me exactly what I need to fix the core of my problem, if I take time to be still.  The craving will reveal the core of the problem if you sit still.  Take time to miss my mom and talk about it because this is not a small thing.